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PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS

Personal breakthrough requires that you give up certain beliefs about the way you, the world,and others are. Your interpretations determine how the world shows up for you.In other words, your beliefs dictate what you see and how you see it. For illustration, have you ever heard someone else describe an event that you also attended, but their memory of it is very different from yours? The things that stood out for you about the event weren't even mentioned by that person, and/or the things he or she remembered as important were far less significant in your memory. The source of this discrepancy is that you both have different structures of interpretation through which you process facts. Your private conversations, the conversations you have with yourself as you are sorting and interpreting the world, are different from other peoples'. Your private conversation is that conversation you have with yourself that you do not reveal to others, the thoughts, comments,and opinions that may not be secrets, but that you keep to yourself. We all have unique private conversations based on our different histories, cultures, and individual experiences. Thus, the distinctions each of us makes about what is important and what is unimportant are different from other peoples'

PUBLIC CONVERSATIONS

Further, to have breakthrough in your life you will definitely be challenging and shifting your public conversations. Public conversation, in this usage, doesn't just mean the verbal exchanges you have with others. Rather, it means the totality of your external interactions with people and your environment. In the training we call it your “image.” Your image is the persona you project, the “you" that others see and that is designed to conceal portions of your private conversation that are inconsistent with that persona.

THE IMAGE

Consider this example. You are invited to a party. Like everyone invited to that party, you spend all afternoon getting ready. Or,rather, you're getting your image ready. You put on the clothes that convey the message you want to convey (casual, formal, yuppie,artsy, sexy, athletic,funky,professional,etc.). Perfect hair to suit the outfit. Makeup for women. Maybe you practice a few smiles in the mirror. And,as long as you are in front of the mirror, maybe you dance around a little to make sure you still have the moves. You look hot. When you arrive at the party, what do you do? You look around for the people whose images are attractive to you and who you guess will be attracted to yours. Then you see him or her. Across the room. Looking hot. When his or her eyes, also scanning the crowd,meet yours, what do you do? You look away. Maybe at some point your images meet each other. If they do, your images exchange a few pleasantries. The next day, you call your friend and get this person's phone number. A few more days go by before it's cool to call. Your heart is pounding as you begin.“Hi, you may not remember me, but we met at the party last Saturday."Having been imagining what to say to you since the night of the party, his or her heart is also pounding as he or she responds.“Well, I'm not sure if I remember. Let me think.”Then there is a grueling moment of silence. “Oh yes! Are you the one who was wearing the...?"So your images have their first telephone conversation and set up a date for the following weekend. Who shows up for the date? Of course, your image shows up to check it out. And, of course, so does your date's image. You've both spent all day shining your images.You've washed your image car, gotten a manicure, and bought new clothes. You eat at a suitably image-y restaurant. You have the perfect image music in your tape deck, cued-up so the perfect image song comes on, “coincidentally,” at the perfect moment on the way home. The next day you either send or receive the dozen red image roses with the clever image notecard. Et cetera,et cetera,et cetera.

Is it possible to continue this image courtship, proceed into an image marriage and be in that image relationship for five years,ten years, or more, and never have really “shown up”? Not only is it possible,but likely, considering that most of us can't distinguish between our images and what we really stand for as human beings. Your image is about survival and safety, not about passion and authenticity. In fact, it is determined to extinguish passion and authenticity because they might damage the image's strategy.

Our culture is set up so that we encourage each other's images and are relatively unaware of it. We are immersed in our inauthenticity. It's a social conspiracy where if you buy mine, I'll buy yours.

While your "style" is a valuable mechanism for expressing what is important to you and for connecting with people, maintaining and getting lost in a fixed self-image can mask what is really important to you and keep you detached from others at an essential level. Your style,meaning the distinct manner or tone you assume, is flexible according to the circumstances and to your standards. The problem with a fixed self-image or character is that it becomes an automatic mechanism that dictates how you participate in the world the majority of the time.

Why do we develop these images? Images are protective shields. Through our images, we support an illusion that we have some control over our acceptance and approval by others. What image do you project to guarantee approval of others: the professional, the nurturer, the happy and/or nice person, the intellectual,the macho man,the unique individual, Mr. or Ms. Cool, the efficient hard worker...? Again, the danger isn't in having an image, it is in being totally absorbed in your image and allowing your actions to be narrowly contained within the boundaries of that image. Ultimately, your image is an insurance policy for your ego. If something doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, you can rationalize it. For instance, it wasn't really that she didn't want to hire you,it was that you are just too “X” -or not “X” enough-to work in that position. Hence, you separate and insulate yourself from hurt, rejection, failure.

Another way to illuminate your image is to look at your need to look good. This concern is a natural part of human beings, it is there for all of us. Look at a typical example of how you are run by your need to look good. You are attracted to someone and would like to ask him or her for a date. But you don't. Why? Most of us say that fear of rejection keeps us from risking with other people. But the issue isn't really about having your invitation declined. You will not be irreparably damaged if you don't spend an evening with that person. The most dreaded part of being turned down isn't about not getting a date, it's embarrassment, losing face, not looking good-so, many times we don't ask at all. This is not only true about relationships. Have you ever tried to psych yourself up to ask for a raise, and then not asked? Have you ever tolerated a problem in your community because you didn't want to risk looking aggressive or foolish to your friends and neighbors? What becomes more important for us than the possibility of a new relationship, a raise,making a difference in our community, or whatever, is our need to look good at all costs.

Our need to be right and our fear of being dominated or controlled by others are also powerful motivators. Virtually all of our projects affect and are affected by other people.Ironically,however, we often shy away from asking for assistance, acknowledging another point of view,or reaching out to someone at the very times when it could make the crucial difference. We vigorously defend our beliefs, our opinions, and the validity of our actions and reactions,in order to be right and be in control. Even when we could further a project by stepping aside, by turning over the leadership role, or by asking for support, we're stuck in our egos.So often we would rather compromise our purpose than give in,admit we're wrong, let someone else be the star or ask for assistance.

What is the price we pay for operating out of our automatic images?Primarily, we are disconnected from people. We experience separateness. We forfeit intimacy, passion, and closeness because of our stubbornness and our illusions that we can keep from getting hurt. In terms of causing the best possible results, living this way isn't very logical.Yet, it is true for all of us to different degrees.To deny that you ever operate this way will block possibilities for breakthrough.

Ironically,much of the effect of the “human potential movement” has been to allow people to “get in touch with who they really are,” accept themselves, and make peace with themselves as they are.The value of that is significant, but the language used to articulate it is limiting.“Accepting yourself as you are” sounds like there is a concrete self somewhere within you that has an unchangeable character and must, therefore, be accepted as it is because it cannot shift under any circumstances. In the fine distinction between resigning yourself to a character which you have decided is true and real, and accepting the aspects of life which you can't change (your history, biological reality, and past choices, for instance), lies the possibility of transformation.

In the human potential school, your truly magnificent self has been obscured or handicapped during your past. “Human nature,” they say, is essentially pure and good.Your job is to uncover the perfect gem within you and actualize its mighty potential. The work of transformation, conversely,doesn't rely on the notion of a perfect self within. Instead, transformation addresses questions like: What is possible for you in reinterpreting what it is to be a human being? What would it mean to you to have the freedom to re-invent your identity? If you could,in fact, design your behavior, how would you be different? Are you willing to pursue this possibility? If so, what actions do you promise to take to further that commitment, and who can assist you in the process?

There is definitely something mysterious about being human that cannot be described or defined, cannot be categorized as fixed or not fixed. Trusting in that brilliant mystery is uplifting and calming, while submitting to the confines of an unchangeable self can cause a sense of helplessness and anxiety.

How many times have you said something like,"I am a shy person,”“If only I were more assertive,”“People are always ignoring me,”“I am boring,”“I'm bad with numbers,”“I am not athletic,” “It’s a rat race,” “I couldn’t use a computer if my life depended on it,” and so forth. It is easy to see the limitations caused by such evaluations.

Even the stories we tell about ourselves that sound positive are limiting.“I am good in business,”“I am happiest out-of-doors,” “I am a nice person,”“My strength is my logical mind,” “My strength is my caring heart," and so on. Whether you assess your character traits as positive or negative is irrelevant to this discussion. The important question is: What possibilities do your characterizations of yourself and the world inherently close?

Hiding behind an image, looking good, being right, and avoiding domination, are several of the reasons why human beings stifle their natural and authentic self-expression. The key distinction to make for yourself is to determine whether your current practices and selfcharacterizations further you or inhibit you. In those cases where they inhibit you, you probably find the most tension and stress in your life. Honest inquiry into your image is a place to start the process of redesigning yourself for effective action.

Answer the following questions in your journal:

• How would you describe your image?
• How do you behave when you are trying to look good, be right, or avoid domination?
• How do these behavior patterns get in the way of accomplishing what you say you want?
• How do these behavior patterns affect your relationships with others?

THE RISK OF BEING AUTHENTIC

Your image may temporarily keep you less vulnerable to being hurt, but ultimately it closes down possibilities available to you.In contrast, authenticity and openness allow for breakthrough. Do you ever think about your patterns? Patterns in relationships, in jobs, in physical wellbeing,in finances, and so on? Who said life adheres to patterns? Who said you can't interrupt a pattern and shift out of it? You can, but only if you are willing and, in fact, committed to breaking up your image.

Breakthrough occurs through inventing your identity from nothing,not through improving your already entrenched image;it requires a willingness to forfeit the predictable future that your image ensures. Inventing your identity,as distinct from setting goals, demands that you behave in new and unfamiliar ways. It is a risky endeavor. Your image is comfortable and it probably works in many ways or you wouldn't have developed and nurtured it. To access possibilities that exist outside your image, you must risk the unknown. You cannot attend a preview, check it out, and then decide if you are going to stick with your image or go for the breakthrough. There is no guarantee about where the process will take you. It will be a struggle because your image's whole reason for existing is to keep you invulnerable, and your image has a fierce will to survive intact.

It is in the process of questioning yourself and challenging your fixed notions that breakthrough occurs.If,after any process,you are still singing the same old song, you have not been willing to integrate the new information in a way that makes a positive difference for yourself and the world. The operative word here is difference,implying that there is something missing in the status quo. It takes vulnerability and humility to admit that something is missing about you, far too much vulnerability for many people, given the gigantic attachment they have to looking good.

I have searched for years for a way to be committed,authentic, involved with people, and yet remain invulnerable. Similarly,I have searched for a way to accomplish breakthrough without risking the security of my image. I haven't found either.

In your journal, answer the following questions about your image:

• What image do you project at work?
• What image do you project at home?
• What image do you project in social situations?
• How does your image protect you? From what does it protect you?
• What rewards do you gain by acting out of that image?
• What price do you pay?
• What price might you pay if you gave up that image?
• What rewards might you gain?