Choice

A favorite topic of the “human potential” or pop psychology movement is choice. Many people seem to think that using the word “choice” makes them responsible, casual, enlightened people. “Choice” has become one of the buzzwords of the new age. Unfortunately, the meaningful substance of choice has nothing to do with the jargon. Acknowledging that you have chosen,if it is authentic for you, can empower you to both be more effective and to have peace of mind.

DO WE REALLY HAVE FREE CHOICE?

What is choice? And how valid is it to claim that we have free choice in many of life's situations?

If you get punched in the stomach, do you think you have a choice about feeling pain? When you laugh, do you make a choice to be happy,or does it just seem to take you over?

Earlier, we looked at how the time,place, and circumstances to which we are “thrown” at birth place boundaries on the possibilities available to us. Even our structure of interpretation is determined to a degree by how we are situated in the world. Not only are our physical options constrained,but also our intellectual,behavioral, and experiential options are at least partially determined by our personal history.

To choose is defined as to select freely after consideration. But,how free are you to select? Maybe your freedom to choose is not as absolute as some philosophies suggest.As we've said, the options that are actually available to you depend,in part, on your history. Further, your options also depend on the choices you have already made throughout your life. Some people hold the belief that you have chosen everything in your life,including your parents, your gender, the death of loved ones, your own illnesses, and so on. Others believe that human beings actually have no choice at all, that we are merely playing out a predestined script. Either of those possibilities may exist, but I suggest yet another proposition.

Forget how your life got to be the way it is. How you handle it in this moment is what we are concerned with. Your life is the way it is now,period. So now what? What is your stand about who you are and what you are becoming? Choice may or may not allow you control over the circumstances of life, but inasmuch as you can choose your interpretations and the context from which you participate in life, choice can influence your effectiveness and the quality of your experience.

HAVE TO / CHOOSE TO

Let's look at choice in a very practical framework.Think of something you don't like to do, but you do because you must (e.g., pay taxes, work,cook dinner every night for your family,spend time with your in-laws,etc.). Now, think of all the consequences you would pay if you did not do it, including the emotional prices. Carry the scenario out to its extreme. For instance, you have to work because if you didn't,you would not have enough money to support yourself;if you didn't have enough money to support yourself, you would feel like a failure; if you felt like a failure, you would feel sorry for yourself; if you felt sorry for yourself, you would hate yourself; if you hated yourself, you would withdraw from your friends and family; if you shut out your friends and family, you would feel totally alone.... You could take this in many directions.It may even seem silly,but exploring the deeper causes for your actions, particularly those which you consider obligatory,is a key to shifting your experience. Pick something in your life that you have to do even though you don't like doing it,and carry the consequences of not doing it to the deepest bottom line for you.

Based on the fact that you are doing whatever you selected as your “have to,” it is obvious that you would rather do it than pay the consequences of not doing it. The operative word in the last sentence is rather. Rather implies choice. But, come on-what kind of a choice is that? To do unsatisfying work or to feel totally alone?! Somehow the choice between those two options doesn't instill a terrific sense of freedom.

Maybe freedom shows up in a different way. Maybe it has to do with how you interpret your choices, whether you declare they are things you “have” to do, or things you “choose” to do. Who knows whether human beings have free choice, partial choice, or no choice at all? What we do know is that your interpretation of choice will definitely influence your participation in your life and, in so doing, will increase your effectiveness and satisfaction.

I am not suggesting a semantic adjustment. Merely using the appropriate jargon obviously won't make a difference in your experience of life. Although the language you use is a valuable clue about your attitudes, the qualitative shift from “have to” to “choose to” goes far beyond your vocabulary. Have you ever noticed that you can do something once and it's a “have to,” but the same thing another time is a “want to?” The difference isn't in your words. The same person can at different times have two different perspectives on the same choice-both totally opposed, yet equally authentic. Your interpretation of your choices can affect not only your experience of life, but your effectiveness too.

Look at those things that you “have to” do, but aren't thrilled about.Some examples may include: working, going to school, managing your finances, staying informed about what is happening in the world, going to social functions for work, staying physically fit.Isn't it ironic that the very things in life that are potentially the most rewarding are so commonly perceived as unpleasant duties and obligations?

What experiences accompany feeling duty bound and obligated? Guilt,anger,worry,anxiety,self-pity,suffering,frustration,confusion,boredom,feeling trapped,tiredness, worthlessness, martyrdom, pain,burden,fear,and depression, to name a few.These experiences are likely to be generated from a sense of having lost freedom, individuality,or control of your own life;and losing control means facing the possibility of not looking good. When you interpret something as a “have to,” you automatically experience the negative feelings that correspond with that interpretation. This brings us back to the notion of context.Remember,just as ferns can't grow in the desert, you can't experience freedom if you are operating from a context of duty and obligation.

Part of shifting the context of “have to” to one of choice is to understand what the payoffs are for the negative feelings associated with the “have to” interpretation. What is the personal payoff for being depressed,frustrated,angry,resentful,guilty,and so on? One type of payoff is attention; you may get recognition, approval, sympathy,reassurance,and appreciation for doing things that,based on the negative emotional impact you exhibit, must require sacrifice on your part. Another type of payoff for having those negative feelings is that they provide you excuses; you can use them to justify yourself for slacking off,not risking,failing, being unaccountable,and breaking your word.For instance, how can anyone expect you to perform your best at work when you are so angry at your boss; or depressed about the fight you had with your girlfriend or boyfriend; or worried about whether your daughter makes it in cheerleader tryouts;or frustrated about your car breaking down on the way to work; or...? A third kind of payoff is the power those negative emotions give you over others;you have leverage to manipulate and control others, you can deceive others, and you can maintain your image of being a great person even when you are behaving irresponsibly. For example, when you break your word with somebody, doesn't feeling really guilty about it show that you are really a good person in spite of your actions? Doesn't being angry at someone often get him or her to do what you want,or to take responsibility that belongs to you? Finally, these negative feelings protect you; your beliefs are reinforced, your actions are justified whether they are productive or not, and you have reason to avoid taking action. In general, you get to be right. For instance, being resentful when your boyfriend dumps you reinforces your belief that men can't be trusted. Or, being angry when your girlfriend dumps you for another man reinforces your belief that you can't live up to a woman's expectations. If you forget to do something you said you would do, you are justified by your confusion about the plans. As you can see, there are numerous permutations of the payoffs of the “have to” structure of interpretation. At the bottom of it all, no matter what happens,the fault and the solution is always outside of you,and no matter what you do, you come out seeming to smell like a rose.

Examine the patterns in your life. Write your thoughts in your journal.

• What aspects of your life do you hold as ‘have tos’?
• What would the consequences be if you did not do those things? Carry them out to the extreme, even though it may seem ridiculous.
• Is it true that you would rather do whatever it is than pay the prices of not doing it?
• What are the negative feelings or experiences that you get from feeling duty-bound and obligated?
• What are the payoffs you receive from those feelings?

What brings about the negative feelings? Most often they result from comparing what is with what you think should be. Take resentment,for example. One source of resentment is a discrepancy between your expectations of someone and their actions. On the down side, this person has power over you. To the degree that you focus on what you resent about them and about how they are a problem for you, your freedom is limited-your energy is siphoned off to wishing they were different than they are. Further, by placing blame for your problems on someone else, you cramp your own ability to solve the problems.You tend to react rather than initiate, and collect evidence to prove how terrible they are rather than take responsibility for yourself. You have given someone else the responsibility for your experience of life.This person may or may not be aware of your resentment and use it to their own ends, but either way you have abdicated control over your own experience and actions. Do you ever notice that usually, although you may think you can somehow change someone with your resentment, your attitude only reinforces or worsens the behavior that you are resisting? On the up side, however, there are definitely payoffs to resentment. As we have said, by holding on to your resentment, you can blame someone or something outside of yourself, and you have a justification for not taking responsibility yourself. Holding on to your idea of the way things “should be” instead of surrendering to the way they are allows you to rationalize not taking action.

Regardless of whether or not we choose what happens in our lives, interpreting events that way gives you a freedom that the “have to” interpretation kills.

Try this exercise in your journal to further your inquiry about choice.

• Begin to look at the 'have tos' in your life as 'choose tos.'
• What do you have to be willing to be wrong about in order to change your interpretation from ‘have to'to 'choose to?'
• What results from the new interpretation?
• Over the next 24 hours, say ‘I choose to,' ‘I want to,' or ‘I get to’ when you would normally say 'I have to.' It may only be a semantic change at first, but notice how it shifts your experience.

COMPARISON

Think of some of the times when you either made a “wrong” choice, or did not make the best choice you could have. Notice how the only way you can assess a choice as being the wrong choice is to compare it with another choice, one that you did not make. We automatically judge our choices based on some standard that we have made up about how we think something should have turned out. Maybe an example will clarify this pattern.

Imagine this. You are James Bond. You are trapped in a small room with no doors, no windows, no openings at all. Suddenly, the ceiling draws back to reveal a threatening panel of nails-long, sharp, and pointing down at you.The room starts to close in on you.The nails inch their way toward your head, and the space around you diminishes as the room slowly shrinks. Then, you notice two pits at the edge of the room. Each pit has a sign next to it. One sign says “Raw sewage-4 ft.” The other sign says “Raw sewage-8 ft.” So, you have some choices. The first choice is to stay where you are, be impaled by a panel of nails, and squished beyond recognition. Or you could jump into one of the pits. You decide to jump. Now you have another choice-which pit? Being no dummy, you choose the pit with four feet of raw sewage. You close your eyes, hold your nose, and you jump just as the walls slam together above you.

When you land, your first thought is something like: "Ugh, this stinks!" Now, is there a likelihood you might think something like: “This is great-only four feet of raw sewage instead of eight feet!”? Probably not, but think about it. Didn't you make the best choices available to you at each moment? Yes. Then why are you upset about being in four feet of raw sewage? Because you are comparing it with something else-“I should be on the beach in Maui,” or “This should be rose water"-as though the beach on Maui, or a rose water bath were available choices. You are comparing your choices with options that weren't available at the time you made your decision to jump. Given the circumstances you were facing, you made the best possible choices at each point along the way.

That story is a metaphor which can apply to other choices you have made. Regarding all the choices you have made, don't you think that if there were better choices available, you would have made them?

Take the Prince and Princess Charming myths. Princess Charming is: gorgeous (but only has eyes for you), smart (but not smarter than you),rich (but doesn't earn more than you);she loves sports,is a sizzling lover (and is interested twenty-four hours a day), anticipates and takes care of your every desire (but isn't clingy or a doormat), loves to clean up after you, loves it when you go out drinking with the boys (but doesn't go out with the girls so she can always be at home with you), is a great cook and a fabulous mother, looks great when she wakes up in the morning, isn't the slightest bit demanding (but is fervently appreciative of everything you do for her), thinks you are the sexiest man alive, and so on.

And let's be fair, women. How is Prince Charming? He's sensitive and gentle (but not a wimp), caring, a hunk (but doesn't even notice all the other women drooling over him), rich (and what he doesn't already spend on you, you may spend as you like), sexy (but is never interested unless you are), smart (but not condescending), giving (you never have to ask for what you want, he just instinctively knows); he would never look at another woman, shares equally in all household responsibilities, is the model father, always asks your opinion before making decisions, loves to talk about whatever is on your mind, would move in a second if your career required it, and so forth. Do Prince and Princess Charming exist? If they did, wouldn't you be in a relationship with him or her? Instead, there you are stuck with that slob!

And what about Career Charming? It is... challenging and creative,pays you an enormous salary; your schedule is flexible;people there listen to you and respect your opinion; you have an unlimited expense account, travel only to the most exciting cities, and only first class.Again, don't you think if that job were an available option, you'd be doing it? Then there are Kids Charming, Car Charming, House Charming, Parents Charming, and Body Charming.

Thanks to Madison Avenue we are all conditioned to think that life should be one climax after another-Life Charming. Everything you do should be exciting, fulfilling, enriching. Every moment should be titillating, better than the moment before it. The problem with this is that,in reality, most of life consists of plateaus, not peak experiences one after another. When life isn't a thrill a minute, we compare it with the thrills we're not having (and that are not available to us anyway). Comparison is thus a source of tremendous unnecessary dissatisfaction,and can lead us to abandon or resent commitments that hold rich possibilities.

YOUR FREEDOM TO CHOOSE

Are you supposed to resign yourself to live in four feet of raw sewage -and to love every minute of it? It depends on your interpretation. First of all, it is silly and useless to judge the choices you have made against alternatives that were not available to begin with. Second, there is more freedom to take effective action if you accept and take full responsibility for the choices you have made rather than compare them to some fantasy. Third, the quality of your experience of life depends on your interpretations. Why would you choose an interpretation that traps you in an endless cycle of regrets? There will always be someone richer, smarter, faster than you; and a better spouse,job, house than yours. Or will there? You are only dealing with your interpretations of those things. It isn’t a “fact” that your wife is a nag, your husband is lazy, or your job is frustrating-it is your interpretation. Comparison is a mental exercise that wastes time and energy. Fourth, you cannot always control the circumstances that show up in your life or the options available to you. Given that, the most constructive way to look at choice is to manage your interpretations and your level of participation, regardless of the circumstances.

Rather than try to maneuver yourself into ideal situations, choose a context that serves you in any situation. Rather than avoid tough decisions and uncomfortable situations, work on clarifying what is really important to you. When you are clear about what is worth taking a stand about, you have solid ground on which to base your choices. Rather than analyze or regret your choice of spouse, career, or home (or any past decisions), look instead at what you are committed to accomplishing in each of those areas now. So what if things aren't the way you want them to be. The relevant questions to ask yourself are: “What’s next?” and “What am I going to do about this?” In examining the questions below, look at what possibilities would be available to you if you shifted your context to one of choice in those areas where it is now duty and obligation and comparison. Use your journal to record your thoughts.

• To what people or ideals do you most commonly compare yourself?
• What 'negative' judgments do you have about yourself, your job, spouse, co-workers, kids? How do those judgments hinder your own effectiveness? Is it possible that your judgments even hinder their effectiveness?
• List the ways in which you resist making choices,or try to second-guess the future in order to make the 'best' choice?
• What past choices do you regret? What is your payoff for regretting those choices?
• Are you open to the possibility that you have a choice about your interpretation, that you have control over the context that governs your attitudes and actions?
• How would your life be affected if you shifted to a 100 percent 'choose to' interpretation?