I Give You My Word

YOUR WORD

There is a familiar saying: “Talk is cheap.” Consider the possibility that talk is powerful, but we have cheapened it by not living by our word. Speech has tremendous power to evoke,inspire, and create-it is in itself effective action.

Take a look at how you hold giving your word.

• On a scale of 0-10, how important is keeping your word?
• Is your word your bond?

Most people would say, yes, they are good for their word and keeping it rates an 11 in importance. But look past that easy answer to what your actions actually reflect. How often do you tell someone you will call them, and don't? How often do you say you will do something, when you mean you'll try? How often do you make a promise in order to get the approval or acceptance of others? How often do you make an agreement out of impatience, just to “get on with things”? How often do you hope that your children do as you say, not as you do?

What percentage of the promises that you make to other people do you keep? What percentage of the promises you make to yourself do you keep? The average is that people keep anywhere from 30 to 99 percent of their promises to other people and from 10 to 60 percent of their promises to themselves. Let's take an example with an above average response. Say you keep 75 percent of the agreements you make overall. That means that 25 percent of the time you cannot be counted on by yourself or others. When you break a promise you probably have a good reason, but the fact remains that your overall reliability is only 75 percent.

Not keeping all of your promises does not imply that you are insincere,incompetent,or untrustworthy.It simply means that you don't keep all of your promises. Even the most conscientious of us falters when it comes to making and keeping agreements. People have breakdowns. However, no matter how consistent or inconsistent you are about keeping your promises, reevaluating and transforming how you hold giving your word will make a difference in your effectiveness and in the quality of your life.

What is the significance of “your word"? When we speak of language, we mean more than a system of symbols and representations; our language contains our whole structure of interpretation (the framework or machinery that governs what we think and feel) and communication (how we express what we think and feel). All human action occurs within the domain of language. In essence, through our speaking and listening we bring forth reality. For example, when you make a promise, your life begins to flow in a new direction out of what you've spoken. Perhaps you tell a friend that you will give him a ride to the airport on Saturday morning. Then all of your subsequent actions take that promise into account, directly influencing the future for yourself and others. Giving your word, by setting new conversation and new action in motion, is a fundamental element of the progress of human history.

DECLARATIONS

Not all conversations directly produce action. But any declaration has the potential to generate reality. If, for instance, you express your opinion to an associate that he can't be trusted, you have not merely expressed an opinion, you have issued a verdict. You have given him that identity, and may close down many possibilities by continuing to deal with him from that characterization. Then, if you voice that opinion to someone else, possibilities may close down for yourself, your associate,and anyone else you tell.Thus,sometimes your assessments can take on the status of facts. The same is often true of declarations made about you. Let's say when you were young a teacher said you were a slower student than the other kids. But, let's say that you just had bad eyesight and couldn't see the blackboard; this caused you, in fact, to exhibit the behavior of a slow student. Although your vision problem may be discovered and corrected, the attitudes and practices that you took on as a result of being declared a slow learner may pose a problem that is much more intractable than your vision problem Similarly, declarations you make for yourself shape reality.“I am a teacher,”“I am worried,”“I am sick,”“I am good/bad at that,” are nothing more than assessments that become facts by virtue of your declaration.

What is true about declarations is that you can make new ones, thereby reclaiming possibilities for yourself and others. In some cases, it can be as simple as redeclaring (e.g., you can renew your relationship with the associate you believed was untrustworthy by retracting your opinion or voicing a new possibility to him and anyone else you spoke to). Of course, it takes more than the utterance of words to shed a characterization that has been abided by and reinforced over the years (e.g.,our “slow learner”), but once a commitment is declared, you can research and adopt the behaviors that move you forward in a new direction.Speaking a declaration begins the process of recirecting your actions. Through your declarations, your spoken word is a tool for closing out inappropriate self-characterizations and reclaiming the possibilities available to you. If you honor your word as a causal agent, you heighten your effectiveness and your power to re-invent yourself through your speaking.

Explore the following questions and decide for yourself the power of language. Write your thoughts in your journal.

• In the public domain, think of what it would be like if politicians, world leaders, educators, business kingpins,and other influential figures lived by the following rule:‘When I say it,it happens, and if I don't say it, it doesn't happen.' Imagine a magic wand which only allows what is specifically spoken to become reality and automatically manifests exactly what is spoken. Do you think the communication of public figures would transform both in terms of content and effectiveness?
• In the private domain, how would your communication be if you followed the same rule? If everything you spoke became reality exactly as you spoke it? If only that which you specifically declared happened?
• How much of what you hear on the news, in the office, in your home, do you really listen to seriously?

Try this experiment for a day.Listen to yourself and others with an “innocent” ear, as though you and they actually mean exactly what you say, no more, no less. Listen for how authentic people's speaking is. Listen especially to the authenticity of your own speaking. How much of your communication is a recital of a semi-automatic, insincere script? How rigorously have you thought out what you say; for instance, could you give valid evidence to substantiate your points-ofview if you were questioned? How much of your communication actually produces any effective action, causing tangible, measurable results? While you're at it, also try to remain silent at times when you are only making noise, filling space with meaningless words, spouting off opinions you can't substantiate with evidence, or gossiping. Notice how much of our speaking is wasted. You will quickly see how we have gotten to the point where talk has been made cheap. You will also be able to see that talk isn't inherently cheap, but rather, we have robbed it of its inherent power.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENT VS. INTERVENTION

Beware of the ever so enticing “psychological assessment.” A psychological assessment is a judgment or a statement that merely reflects the speaker's opinions. They are interpretations that are not based on facts. The speaker's motivation for stating them is to be right and to look good; they either accomplish nothing or they actually hinder effective action and success. Akin to gossip, psychological assessment imposes the speaker's agenda on other people or situations. While all of our interpretations embody our underlying prejudices and biases, psychological assessments glorify our subjective opinions and express them as though they were facts.

The distinction between a valid assertion intended to further a situation by intervening in it and a psychological assessment is a subtle one. The statement “Jane is a liar” may be based on facts and may be intended to caution someone who is considering working on a project with Jane. Or,it may be a rumor, gossip, or an assessment made by the speaker that is not intended to contribute anything worthwhile. One way to identify a psychological assessment is to ask the speaker (yourself in many cases) what evidence he or she has to back up the claim. If the individual (or you) has no evidence, says he/she heard it from someone else, just has a feeling, can tell,or can “read” people intuitively, it is a psychological assessment. Other relevant questions are “What was the speaker’s purpose in making that comment?” or “What did the speaker want to accomplish?” Usually, in the case of psychological assessments, the speaker's motivation is to be right and to look good at someone or something else's expense.

There is no way not to have psychological assessments; like our bodies, they are part of the human condition. But confusing them with productive communication impedes effective action. Voicing psychological assessments distracts people's attention from the project at hand, sidetracking energy into a conversation that will not render action. Further, when you speak psychological assessments, you muck up the clarity of purpose necessary to be effective by interjecting irrelevant,baseless,and often damaging,claims.Finally,if you focus on psychological assessments, you block your vision of the available possibilities by crowding your space with useless trivia-your ability to see possibilities is obscured like your vision is obscured when mud splashes on your windshield. We have psychological assessments, but we are not trained to discern them from valuable assertions. Hence, we waste a lot of time, thought,and conversation on vain, useless hot air while thinking that we are doing something worthwhile. When we analyze people's conversations according to their motivation and what they get accomplished, we find that often they think, or hope,that they are intervening, making something productive happen or are somehow making a valuable contribution, when they are really just spouting their opinions, judgments,and positions.

ACTION THROUGH WORDS

Psychological assessments can disguise themselves in many different kinds of communications and the same statement can in one context be a psychological assessment while in another context it is a constructive communication. We make a lot of noise about our psychological assessments, giving us the impression that something is happening when actually the opposite is true-some possibility is actually being prevented. As we have previously discussed at length, there are types of conversation that generate action rather than throttle it, words that perform action merely by their utterance.

Simply put, the nature of a conversation that produces action is that you place your own buns right on the firing line.In other words, you commit yourself by making specific promises, requests, declarations and assertions, leaving yourself no back doors, and you accept no less from others. You end up with a clear sense of where you are going in a project and a way to recognize when you are in breakdown and when you are complete. Often, just the process of clarifying requests and promises involves creativity and concentration that directly furthers the project at hand.

Of course, explicit requests are more likely to be declined than vague ones. But, would you rather have someone agree to a vague request, and then not produce the goods as you “expected,” or would you rather know up front that someone is unwilling or unable to carry out your request? Similarly, are you more comfortable making a precise promise, or agreeing to an ambiguous request and hoping that you will satisfy the expectations? Declining someone's request, or being declined certainly is not one of life's greatest pleasures, but it can actually further you in accomplishing the results that matter to you. A clear and responsible decline saves you from the deadly illusion that you are getting something done when, in fact, you are not. It forces you to find the right person for the right job. Likewise, insisting that requests made of you be specific allows you to take on only the projects that are aligned with your principles and your abilities.

PROMISES AND REQUESTS: SPEAKING THAT INTERVENES AND PRODUCES ACTION

Before you can get on the field and play baseball, you have to learn the rules of the game. Similarly, before you can have a conversation that intervenes and produces action, you must be clear on the elements of such a conversation.In their simplest form, conversations for intervention consist primarily of promises and requests. To review,a complete request or promise includes: (1) a speaker,(2) a listener,(3) specific terms for fulfillment (exactly what will be produced), (4) time agreement (by when it will be produced), and (5) a response (accept, decline, offer an alternative). There are different gradients of requests (invitation, demand, suggestion, proposal, etc.). In all cases,the person of whom the request is being made must have the option to decline with dignity. Otherwise, it is not a request and won't necessarily generate effective action. Likewise, with promises there are many levels(promise, vow, agree,etc.).If someone breaks a promise he or she made to you, questioning the person's integrity will not solve your problem.If someone makes an insincere promise, then the source of the breakdown lies back in the conversation in which you made the request and/or accepted that person's promise in the first place, not with the individual's subsequent actions. If you face such a breakdown,identify what didn't work, evaluate the person's competence to fulfill your request or promise, and make a new agreement. When you have conversations of requests and promises, those interactions reconstitute your relationships with people.The more specific you are with your requests and your promises, the more you support the integrity of all involved and the higher the chances for accomplishment.

Being specific does not mean that fulfilling the agreement will be easier or more fun. The work to be done is still the work to be done. In fact, tension usually rises as you nail down specific expectations. In the long run, however, the certainty of expectations and the sense of completion when agreements are fulfilled far surpasses the temporary relief of escaping full and precise commitment.

When the terms of the project are clear, breakdowns are more obvious,thus opening up the possibilities for resolution.Conversely, if the parameters of a project are unclear,flaws and mistakes are either not noticed or are easily covered up, thereby preventing resolution and sabotaging the project.

Requests and promises produce action because they elicit or manifest commitment.They set action in motion, action that will intervene in the future causing something to happen that may not otherwise have happened.

This isn't new-people make requests and promises all the time, and have forever. However, in unexamined interactions, we are generally unaware of the powerful dynamics of promises and requests. Bringing to the foreground the implicit power of certain types of speaking, namely promises and requests, gives you necessary technology to advance your projects, resolve breakdowns, and generate action through your communication.

THE VULNERABILITY OF COMMITTING YOURSELF

Implicit in commitment is vulnerability. There is no way to be committed without being at risk by virtue of your commitment. Putting yourself on the line, pinning yourself down with exactitude,being passionate about something, leaves you vulnerable. You are putting your very identity at stake by openly declaring yourself through your commitments. Commitment requires courage. You must be willing to face being unsuccessful or just plain wrong. In committing yourself you forfeit your opportunity to blend in with the mob, to tag onto the coattails of a winner, or to switch loyalties without anyone else noticing. Being committed opens you up to being challenged, accused,and ridiculed.

Commitment requires rigorous self-examination. Although it may be impossible to be absolutely clear about your values, continually exploring what is important to you assists you to express your commitment in words and actions that are accurate and that strengthen your sense of integrity. When you are challenged, you can support your case with solid confidence and clear, thoughtful arguments rather than giving a blustery defense of an opinion you have not really thought through yourself. You can modify your point of view efficiently and meaningfully rather than changing your mind at the drop of a feather with no better reasons than those upon which your previous point of view was based. Commitment demands that you think about what you do and why you do it.

What does it take to be committed in a way that works?

First, you have to “be a stand for commitment."Commitment for its own sake must be worthwhile to you. Floundering around waiting for the ultimate in perfect commitments is not being committed. But neither is tying yourself to causes that aren't meaningful to you; you must choose commitments that embody your major concerns and that you can embrace wholeheartedly. Being a stand for commitment is a general way of being, but it is also something that you can practice by making specific commitments. At some point, you must simply commit yourself, and then be committed to your commitments, make decisions according to what will best further those particular commitments.

Second,scrutinize your values and concerns; discover what really matters to you. Your commitments have a chance of lasting and being a source of deep fulfillment only if they align with your priorities in life.

Third,be willing to declare unequivocally what you stand for,and to risk the vulnerability that comes with taking such a stand. Go public about your commitments.

Fourth,be rigorous and specific about your words and actions. Loosely and loudly throwing around words like “commitment” and “declaration” does not a commitment make. You've got to back up your ideas with action. Look to your words and actions and you will see what you are really committed to.

Finally,be frank about what actually happens.Your actual results provide the best tangible data for evaluating your effectiveness and for correcting yourself.

Answer the questions below in your journal to clarify your commitments.

• What is important to you regarding your family, work, health,wealth, relationships,and so on?
• What are your commitments regarding your family, work, health, wealth,relationships,and so on (i.e.,the end state or goal for the future that is governing your current behavior)?
• Is your behavior effectively leading toward the fulfillment of those commitments? In what ways is it or isn't it?
• Do your results demonstrate that your actions in each domain are, in fact,effective? If not, what results specifically demonstrate that you are not being effective? In those particular areas, what is missing and what is next for you (i.e., what action will you take now to move forward?)?

KEEPING YOUR WORD / BREAKING YOUR WORD

When and why do you give your word? In Lifespring courses we have a process during which all participants are requested to agree to a series of ground rules. If they will not give their word to play by these rules, they may not take the training. We typically lose a few who are unwilling to participate according to the rules of the training. Of those who choose to continue the training, having agreed to the rules,over 80 percent admit to having broken at least one of the rules after only two days of the training. Why? Some “forgot” the rules, some didn’t pay attention to what they were agreeing to the first night, some were rebelling against authority, some were seeking confrontation and attention. Why did these people give their word in the first place? Some genuinely intended to play by the rules, some just wanted to get on with things in their own way, others wanted to avoid the hassle of questioning the rules or declining to agree to them. The reasons go on and on. These people were willing to give their word to themselves and the rest of the group, and to accept everyone else's word to play by the same rules. What happened? We want everyone else to keep their word with us,but we think we are the exception to the rule. What matters aren't the reasons people break their word, it is how people value giving their word in the first place.

What possibilities do you close when you break your word? You lose self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect,and credibility in the eyes of others. You question your own integrity, cause confusion, and others get the message that you cannot be counted on. Regardless of how good your excuse is for breaking an agreement with someone, people get the message that they don't matter to you. You get stuck in incompletion, self-doubt, unkept promises, and their corresponding emotional states. The possibilities available in your relationships with yourself and others steadily narrow.

When you break your word, you can always say you're sorry, right? It takes a big person to say he or she is sorry, or so we say. Apologizing repairs any damage you have caused, doesn't it? Or does it?Do you notice that some people apologize for the same things over and over again, or that when you apologize to people it is often repeatedly over the same issue? Given the choice between “I’m sorry” and something else, wouldn't you prefer something like,"You can count on me not to let this happen again”; or “Next time, you can count on me to handle that in this way...”; or “I acknowledge that I broke a promise. From this moment on you can count on me to..."? Apologies are appropriate, but they don't necessarily imply a commitment to correction or to different behavior in the future.

What possibilities open up when you keep your word? The reverse of all of the prices you pay for breaking your word comes out of keeping your word. Your potential for being in relationships that are based on integrity increases. People may not always like you, but out of knowing they can count on you to keep your word they will tend to respect you and honor your word. It is empowering for people to be around your high degree of integrity, whether they like you or not. When you keep your word to yourself and others, your self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect go up. You reinforce your personal effectiveness and your ability to turn your intentions into action.

Possibilities are opened and closed on the other side of the picture as well. For instance, there are rewards for not keeping your word. People stop asking you to make promises. You are free of obligations. You get attention. You have an excuse to slack off and avoid greater responsibility.

Some of the consequences of keeping your word can be interpreted as prices you pay. Your expectations of yourself increase as you consistently fulfill your promises. Others expect more of you and are less likely to accept excuses from you. Since you are motivated to live as your word and not to have people approve of you, some people may not like you.

Since we are not robots, and there isn't a person alive who always keeps his or her word, address this issue by acknowledging what works and what doesn't work rather than judging right and wrong. What is your relationship with your word? Write your responses in your journal.

• What possibilities open up for you when you make a promise?
• What possibilities close when you make a promise?
• What behavior do you exhibit when you break your word? When someone breaks their word with you? What behavior would serve better?
• What behavior do you exhibit when you keep your word? When others keep their word with you? What behavior would serve better?
• What prices and rewards might you face if you became more rigorous about your word?

COMMITMENTS,WORDS，ACTIONS

Effective conversations for intervention bring commitments to light. What is commitment? Let's start by naming what is not commitment. I say commitment is not an idea about how you would like something to be; it is not a wish, hope, or dream; it's not hype; it's not loyalty or obedience; it isn't self-sacrifice; it's not compulsion or drive;it isn't positive thinking; and it isn't intention.

Commitment is an end state or goal in the future that governs your behavior in the present. The nature of your commitment shows up in your words and actions. But saying that commitment shows up in your words and actions doesn't mean that every activity is a meaningful commitment. Commitment isn't a thing or an activity, but a part of your identity. For instance, saying "I do" doesn't make you a wife or husband except in a purely superficial, academic sense. That you are the commitment to being a husband or a wife shows up in your words and actions from the moment you say “I do.” Discipline yourself to think of your commitment as what is demonstrated in your actions. Begin to look to the feedback of the physical universe, your actual results, to tell you what commitment you are. As you begin to see that you are your commitments, as manifested in your words and actions, adjust your words and actions so that you are operating with integrity.