Helen Shreves

GRADUATE PROFILE

Helen Shreves is an attorney,wife, and mother of two, living in Denver, Colorado. She first did the Basic Training in 1984. In looking back at her training experience, Helen recounts that “prior to the trainings, one of the things I would do in my life to not be intimate with people is that I would be very judgmental. At the time I took the training I was feeling very critical of people. I would judge anyone I met consciously or subconsciously. I'd register if they had been to college, if they were bright, what kind of clothes they wore-were the fabrics expensive, were they successful, were they unemployed? I could categorize people very rapidly. I like you. I don't like you. My posture going into the Basic Training was sort of sitting back, with my arms crossed, looking at people thinking,‘Jesus, get your act together!'

“If you asked anyone who knew me before the training, they would say that I was a happy person. I've always been a happy person, a good mood-type person. But, I was not being vulnerable. I was trying to be superwoman-a wonderful mother, a trial lawyer, president of the Colorado Women's Bar Association. I didn't need anybody. The result was this feeling of separateness. I felt separateness from the people in my family, my colleagues,any group I was part of.

“I'm not a shy person, so it's not a matter of not being shy. I have no problems with talking in front of a group, or anything like that. My breakthrough was more about not criticizing and judging others. By jumping into the training, participating with those people in the group, I was saying that I was a part of them. I was not different, or better, or smarter, or comparing myself to them in any way. I was just part of a group, one of the gang. I let myself be part of a group. I was not analyzing, being critical or judging so much. People in my small group and others who knew me noticed it. And outside the training, I stopped being critical of my husband; I am accepting him as a worthy person.

“One of the major distinctions that came out of the training was seeing that being warm, loving,and vulnerable is powerful. My power doesn't lie in pushiness or hardness. You see, in the legal world, it’s accepted for a woman to be a ‘tough broad.’That’s who they want to hire. In that field, I could act it out like you can't believe.The problem was that I confused being a tough lawyer with being a powerful woman. I discovered that what lets people in and brings them close to me is being warm and loving with them. Being that way is powerful and strong.

I am naturally a very energetic and outward-focused person. When I left the training,I was very centered. Very focused. Very soft, I guess you could say. It was really a good balance. It has been an incredibly valuable process of accepting and integrating different kinds of power and strength, of not worrying if this person thinks I'm a bitch, and that person thinks I am weak.

“An example of that from a training was an exercise in which the group was presented with a problem to solve. I immediately stood up and said that we should decide the issue with a vote. Well, some men in the group were extremely put off by me. They told me to sit down and shut up. Finally, nothing having been accomplished, the trainer came over and pointed out that I had suggested the correct method in the first place. She pointed out how the men had reacted to me like I was being a righteous bitch. So, we all learned. It really made a difference for a couple of the men who learned something about how they interacted with women. And I saw what I evoke in men when I behave in certain ways. I think I was intimidating.

“The training was about taking both sides of me and putting them together-like a dual thing of letting my strength blossom, and yet learning how to do it in a way that brings warmth and vulnerability to it. After the trainings, I really felt a flowering of myself in many areas. I came out of the training balanced and softened, and also having released a lot of energy.

“A great deal of creativity started as soon as I completed the training. For example,I painted some canvases that still hang here in my home.I was not an artist and had not painted before. The only way I could have painted those was because I was different; I had gotten in touch with a different part of myself that had never been touched before. My creativity also exploded in my professional life. I put together a videotape on how to do your own noncontested divorce which is now in the Denver Public Library, and is watched all the time. I developed a restraining order packet with another woman lawyer-thousands of them have been sold. I put information together for the family law section of the library including a resource directory of experts to use in doing a divorce case. Law isn't the most creative field, and many lawyers never even think about doing anything like those projects. I think I have been about as creative as anyone can be.

“The first few days of the training,I just sat back watching it, analyzing it. I eventually shared in front of the group on Saturday morning, after which time I participated a lot. A big process for me was when I looked at commitments, specifically breaking commitments. At that time,I would break a lot of commitments to my daughter, who was then twelve. I would say that I would be home at a certain time, and then I'd always take one more call,making myself late.I think I have always been good with little children. But when my daughter started getting older, I pulled back a little bit. I put distance between us and was judging whether I thought she was doing things right or not. That was very painful for me to look at, but taking that kind of honest look has improved our relationship significantly. I have made time with her, kept my promises to her,talked with her, been physically warm with her. She has really felt big changes in me.

“Another thing that was very big for me was looking at accountability and not blaming or trying to change others. I think about that a lot in my own life because, being a lawyer, I'm in- a man's world. I had problems with men, as I have mentioned, because I was showing up like the kind of woman men experience as a righteous bitch. Before the training, I tended to blame the difficulties on the men, or on the social structure. After the training,I experienced a tremendous decrease in my level of anger toward others. I am much more honest with people in my life and it's had tremendous benefits. I have stopped manipulating people to get what I want.I had been trying to change them, but now I'm just straightforward with them.

“My performance at work was noticeably enhanced after the Basic Training. For example, just before taking the Basic Training I had started a custody trial. I did two days of hearings the week before the Basic started and then the case was put off until a few months later. We ended up having the last two days of hearings a couple of months after I did the training. At the end of the first day of the second session of hearings my client stopped me and said ‘Jesus, what happened to you? You were so fabulous in there!' I realized that I had this ability to organize better, focus better, and had all this renewed energy.I've always been a good lawyer, but I remember during those hearings just sitting back and looking at it differently, having a bigger picture of what I wanted to get accomplished, and being more effective at getting that done.

“Another example is that I have always been such an action person,I've always hated to sit down and write. A couple of months ago I agreed to speak at a seminar. I sat down one day, thought about it, and wrote out a really good outline. I was focused, I was organized, I didn't procrastinate, and I completed a good work product substantially before it was due. I can honestly say that I generally wouldn't have been able to organize my time and thinking as effectively before the trainings.

“My increased ability to concentrate has been apparent in many different circumstances; at social events, business functions, seminars. I'm still very energetic, but I am able to sit down, focus, and keep my concentration steady for long periods of time, which before would have been out of the question.'

Helen's relationship with her husband has been affected by their participation in the training. "My relationship with my husband has changed and I would never go back to the relationship we had before. We are spending more time talking,and I am risking and saying things I wouldn't have said before for fear he would disapprove. I have always worried about disapproval from men. Not worrying so much about disapproval has affected all of my interactions with both men and women. They are more honest, more gratifying.

“One unexpected thing that I saw in the training was how I had suppressed my sensuality.I was holding back, not giving it much energy. I had started to feel dowdy. I realized, after the training, that I can be feminine, wear feminine clothes, and be very powerful and businesslike. I have started to act more feminine and soft and I feel wonderful about my femininity and sensuality.

“The training was a life-changing process. There is no doubt about that. And I can never go back. The same things happen in life, but I don't react the same way I used to. I am so empowered, effective and fulfilled.”