Jim Kelly

GRADUATE PROFILE

“I can say something now that before I never believed when people told me," says Jim Kelly. “The training did, in fact, totally transform my life in five days. People had said that to me, and I said ‘Yes, sure,sure.’But I did not really understand how that could be. I have been through many,many experiences that have changed my life; leaving a small town to go to California, going to college, getting married, having children,being appointed to a special post in the government in Washington, DC. But nothing compares. Even all together, those experiences don't come close to comparing with what happened for me from Wednesday evening to Sunday evening in the training."

Jim lives in the Washington, DC, area where he is the president of a business development and representation firm.“We are a consulting firm that provides assistance to companies across the country and overseas that are interested in doing business with the government, or breaking into new business areas with the government." Jim did the Lifespring Basic Training in December of 1987.

“The principal reason I took the training was that I had met a number of people who had taken it and I noticed something very unusual about them. Number one, I was very comfortable with them. Number two, there was interaction among them which was open and honest and free. I found it continuously refreshing. I found myself wanting to go back and be with those people, individually and collectively. In the process of getting to know them better, I found the one common thread was that they had all gone through the Lifespring trainings at various times. As I got closer and closer to them I felt that the relationships I had with them were different than any other relationships I had ever had in my life.

“They were urging me to take advantage of this opportunity and take the Basic Training. For about two or three months, they kept asking me if I was interested and I said yes, but that, between running my business and the activities in my personal life, time was a major obstacle for me. Since I felt my life was going pretty well, I didn't see the urgency in finding the time to do the training.

“When I finally did the training, I was not really sure what I would find, although I did know that there were a number of relationships in my life that I did not feel were at the maximum, particularly involving my children. Also, I was having some lingering difficulties with my business partner.I felt, if I did nothing else but take a look at what there was in those relationships that I might be able to do something about, the training would be important and worthwhile. I entered the Basic Training a little skeptical, but very curious.

“I think maybe I could best illustrate how important the training was for me with an example that is very special to me. One of the relationships in my life that was very, very important to me and will always be important to me is the relationship between my son and me. My father,who is eighty years old,is a very lively,loving,caring, sharing man. For most of my life he has been just about my best friend. I had attempted to have a similar relationship with my son who is now twenty-two years old.

“A couple of years ago, after having spent twenty beautiful years coaching him,teaching him, working with him, traveling with him, being his counselor and friend, he made a decision about his life which I reacted to quite negatively. He decided to drop out of college and concentrate on becoming a musician. A rock musician, at that. I was fortunate enough to have been the only member of my family to ever go to college and I wanted to see all of my children get a college education. My two daughters have done so and my son was well on his way, but dropped out of school after his first year. He came to see me and said that he wanted to change his life. He wanted to work to earn money so that he could study and write music on his own and be a member of a local performing band. He really went into it big. He took a position with Domino's Pizza as a pizza delivery boy. That just about killed me because, while he was in college, he was doing wonderfully as a training assistant in a computer center. He went from that to being a pizza boy because he wanted to have as much free time as possible to write and study and practice his music-music which I didn't find pleasant to listen to. This was more than I could take.So, being the righteous soul that I was, I said I didn't agree and I wouldn't support him despite his pleading with me.

“He moved out and I slowly but surely eased myself out of his life. As time went by, I isolated myself from him more strongly.This happened at the same time my marriage ended. In the process I maintained close contact with my daughters, but eliminated just about any contact with my son. I did it because I felt that was the way in which I could send a message to him so that he would see the light and come back and do things my way.

“As time went on, I got stronger and stronger in my righteousness -and in my isolation. I had become more and more insulated. My daughters were practically the only people who knew my phone number. The year before I did the training, I didn't even celebrate Christmas with my son. Inside it was probably one of the most difficult situations I ever had because of the love I felt for him. But I was completely overtaken by this feeling of how important it was to be right in spite of any other considerations. I was living completely opposite to the way I had believed in and lived for the previous twenty years or so.

“As I went into the Basic Training I focused particularly on the relationship with my son. I wanted to get to the bottom of my own feelings and my approach. I was in search of something that I could do to help him see how to change. As I progressed through the Basic, though, I learned many things about myself and how I was living my life that I wasn't willing to look at on my own.

“During the exercise about your mother and father, the importance of my relationship with my father came back to me. I could imagine my son going through the same exercise if he were doing the Basic, and I realized through that experience how important my relationship with my son really was. It was at that point that I really had a major breakthrough because then I began to focus on myself. I began to really look at the way I was showing up in my life and the things I was doing. That, coupled with an exercise in which I saw how overwhelming my need to be right was, how unwilling I was to listen to other points of view, absolutely opened me up to recognize how deeply I love my son and how important it was for me to focus on my side of the relationship.

“Then I looked at vulnerability, honesty, and openness. In dealing with those experiences, I made a decision about three-quarters of the way through the training that I was going to totally change my approach to my son the minute I had the opportunity to. Immediately after graduation, I literally ran to a telephone and called him and scheduled an appointment for us to meet the next night. He said to me ‘Dad, will you really have time? Will you really show up?' I told him I absolutely would.

“He came to my apartment the next night and stayed with me for a long time. I opened up to him and explained how important it was to me that he be in my life. I discussed with him what I had learned about myself in the training and what I had learned about my love for him and the parallel in my relationship with my father. He told me that he had been waiting for me to tell him that for a long, long time. We put our arms around each other and just held each other for probably the better part of an hour. We talked about the long period of time we had been away from each other and what a waste of time that was. We made a mutual commitment to two things. One was that I would immediately accept and support what he was attempting to do. He in turn agreed to spend much more time with me and to accept what I was going through. That night our relationship reached a new height. Today he is on a tour with a name band and is full of confidence in himself and the future. He sends me notes regularly,always expressing gratitude for the breakthrough in our relationship.

“That experience is really a microcosm of what I did in about ten or fifteen other relationships in my life that I had in one way, shape, or form either sabotaged, abandoned,or let deteriorate. I put a list together of people that I felt I needed to go back to and reopen the relationship.I am still working on that list, but each experience is a whole new awakening and reopening for me.

“Because of the openness and honesty and vulnerability that I'm willing to share, all of which I took from the Basic Training,each and every relationship in my life has been totally enhanced. I have a relationship with a woman in my life which is probably the best of any I have ever had. My working relationship with my business partner has changed. We renegotiated our business arrangement in such a way that it is now on terms that work for us both. At the time I entered the Basic Training, I was considering leaving the partnership. Since then, I have been willing to confront areas of our business relationship which were not working as well as they should in order for the business to be as effective as possible. Equally as important, I have been willing to be much more open and honest with clients. My communication has been better. I have been more candid and forceful when making critical recommendations to them or when discussing with them how strong and committed they need to be in presenting their capabilities to potential customers. My recommendations have been clearer and sharper, my clients' willingness to accept those recommendations has risen, and, in many cases, their effectiveness has improved. I think that all of that has happened because, since the training,my commitment to being successful is stronger; my demand for excellence is higher; my intensity and focus are clearer.

“What else has happened to me is I've become more effective in my use of time. Time, remember, was the issue that I used over and over again for why I would not do the training.I think, in reality, the reason was fear of what I might find, but I didn't figure that out until I was already in the Basic. Before that, time was something that controlled my life. I used to work seven days a week. I now work five or five and a half. I have not worked a Saturday, except on very rare occasions, since I did the Basic. I now find myself needing less sleep, working less, exercising, going outdoors, and doing things I hadn't done for a long time. Getting away from work and integrating recreation and relaxation into my life has relieved a lot of tension and increased my effectiveness in all aspects of life. My relationships are better. My work is more productive. I am more relaxed and more open. I feel healthier, more vital. I am looking for more and more things to do all the time.

"My life is totally different than it was before. I'm open and honest.I now cry in front of people. I now laugh out loud.I am willing to dance in public which I was seldom willing to do before. I am just completely different and am showing up in a completely different way."

Jim talked about the level of risk that he now faces daily.“Washington,DC,is not a town in which you find a lot of risk takers on the street. I have had my share of living in a conformed and confined society. What I am doing is taking risks with people who have not seen me risk before. Being vulnerable and taking risks is not easy. It takes an extra effort all the time to do it, but the value that I find each time makes it easier and easier.

“Having the opportunity in the confines of the training room to experience taking risks was really important to me. Giving someone honest feedback, for instance, risks disapproval. I like to have approval, so that was very big for me in the training.The fear of looking silly, or not being in total control represents risk to me. Being vulnerable was confrontive. Opening myself up to someone, sharing myself in an honest, open way was very risky for me. To let my emotions show was risky and difficult for me. Willingness to just plain stretch and go outside of my comfort zone was difficult for me to do. Just about every aspect of it was risky. It is as a consequence of those experiences that now, in society, I'm more and more willing to risk The returns for the risks I'm taking are really infinite.

“I believe I've become a more interesting person to know. I get more involved with every aspect of a conversation. I'm not always talking about one thing-work. I'm listening more. My effectiveness as a listener has just become tremendous. I find myself now sitting and listening and being fascinated at what I hear from other people from all walks of life.I've learned more from listening in the last four months than I ever had before.

“I really value the numerous people that have come into my life by way of the training, including the staff at Lifespring. Their sensitivity and enthusiasm and commitment are a continuous inspiration to me. I can't begin to say how important I think that is here in Washington,DC. This is a very, very powerful city. It is also a city that is asleep in many ways. The potential for what can be accomplished in this city is significantly enhanced by the existence of Lifespring trainings.

“The other evening, I was talking with an individual who was considering enrolling in the Basic Training. He was concerned about the cost. He is a man about my age, who also has some children.I told him the story of how the training transformed my relationship with my son. I said that on that basis alone, I would say that the value of that training would be at least several hundred thousand dollars or several million dollars, I wasn't sure which. Either way, it is one of the best bargains anyone could ever have."