Ways We Create Value/Ways We Avoid

WAYS WE CREATE VALUE

You can increase your ability to learn from life by participating proactively. By doing certain things, you can turn life into an ever-expanding, adventurous, active learning experience. This section puts forth recommendations regarding how you can maximize your ability to learn both from the experience of reading this book, and from your most valuable teachers: your own life and the people in your life.

Full participation is the first key to creating value. The value for you in reading this book will come from applying what you read to your participation in life. Ironically, the most valuable part of this process will not happen while you are reading. You will gain substantive value only when you apply your discoveries and insights to your daily practices. The formula is simple-the more you get involved in this project, the more you will profit. Participation,not for the sake of participation, but in order to have something extraordinary happen in your life, is a key ingredient in the effectiveness of this (or any) process.

Does this mean that you should agree with everything written here? Not necessarily. It really doesn't matter if you believe or agree with any of this because the goal is not to replace your belief system with another one. The aim instead is to have you experience some powerful possibilities that exist outside of your belief system, possibilities that are closed to you unless you embrace the opportunity to live outside of the comfort and security of your beliefs. You may challenge some of your beliefs and the assumptions you have about yourself, the world, and other people. Again, the purpose is not to convince you that your beliefs are wrong, but to reveal your current structure of interpretation, thus providing an opening for breakthrough.

It is human to be skeptical, but if you are determined to hang on fixedly to your current ways of being,then you cannot create anything new. For many of us our stubbornness is a source of pride, strength, uniqueness. However, an unwillingness to consider the possibility that there may be different, more productive, and fulfilling ways to be, will obstruct your attempts to attain greater results both in this project and in life in general. Of course we all like to be right, but investment in being right is a dead end. Only open-mindedness will support you in achieving extraordinary results.

Risking, moving out of the security of your “comfort zone,” is another way to create value.Your comfort zone is the level of participation in life that is comfortable for you. It encompasses those ways of being that are habitual and do not involve personal risk or challenge. Your comfort zone is where you operate the majority of the time. You probably look pretty good and feel pretty happy when you are operating at about 40 to 60 percent of your maximum commitment and effectiveness. That is your comfort zone. It both describes your standard operating procedures and defines the boundaries that you are not likely to risk traversing.

Risk, the possibility of loss or injury, is something that human beings expend a lot of energy,and suppress a lot of creativity,to avoid. Whether it be physical, financial, or interpersonal risk, we are, for the most part, strongly inclined to eliminate the chance of suffering any loss or injury, even at the reciprocal cost of narrowing our possibilities for being. Without willingness to risk, there is no possibility. We as Americans have a concept of possibility, but we can't experience it unless we learn to take the appropriate risks.

Since the training is designed specifically as a supportive environment for appropriate risk taking, most participants venture to levels of honesty,openness, commitment,spontaneity and self-expression beyond anything they had formerly experienced. For you, alone with this book, it will take more personal commitment and courage to create the same value. Why? Simply because you do not now have the advantage of beginning in the supportive environment of the training room with others who are committed to your commitment. When the training is over and it is time to return back to everyday life, graduates face a moment to moment choice whether they will step outside their comfort zones and create the same degree of value where it really counts-with their families, careers, marriages, communities,and so on. You, however, must confront that choice on your own from the start.

The essence of our work is to allow you to step out a bit on the edge,the edge of what you know and are comfortable with,the edge of certainty. Permit yourself to-I won’t say “enjoy”-risk, but to make risk permissible, to have risk become an “of course" in your life rather than something you spend all your energy trying to avoid.

Why risk if you are truly comfortable and your life is working just as it is? What exactly is the appeal and value of risking and moving outside your comfort zone? Will you have a more meaningful experience of life if you strive to be uncomfortable? You probably wouldn't be reading this book in the first place if you didn't have at least an inkling regarding the answers to these questions. When it comes right down to it, only you can answer them for yourself. There is no objective reason for risking out of your comfort zone. In fact, for every argument for the power of risking and extending yourself beyond the limitations of your comfort zone, there is a counterargument in favor of staying within the boundaries of comfort. For instance, there are enlivening advantages in operating on the edge of personal risk. You accomplish more than you ever imagined possible; you continually become more effective; you attract people who are alive and purposeful; you have a sense of making a real difference to people. But the reality is that in addition to the personal rewards you gain by traveling outside your comfort zone,you may pay prices:You may,at times, look foolish or encounter criticism; you may experience hurt or loss; your expectations of yourself may increase; others may increase their expectations of you; you may have to learn to deal with greater degrees of success and failure; and so on. Think about your own life. Only you know what specific rewards lie outside your comfort zone and what prices you will have to pay to attain those rewards.

Take a moment to again question your motives for reading this book.Clarity of purpose is a critical element of a coherent, directed inquiry. Write your thoughts in your journal.

• Are you really ready and willing to explore what is available to you outside of your comfort zone?
• What do you want to accomplish by embarking on this adventure?
• Are you prepared to pay the prices that may be part of that journey?
• Do you have a sense of how your personal transformation fits into your larger vision for your future?

Honesty will support you in accomplishing your goals with integrity. Be direct and tell the truth to yourself and others. We all know that “honesty is the best policy,” but often we are less than truthful, either by omission or by commission. Not that you should bare your soul to the dry cleaner or the grocery checker just because they say “Hi, how are you?,” but stop and look before you throw out the usual “Fine, thanks, how are you?" If you're fabulous or awful instead of fine,it will serve you to be in recognition of the truth. Your automatic conversations often cover up important information. You are at least one step removed from taking effective action if you aren't communicating authentically.Practice this yourself. In the next couple of days, when someone asks you how you are doing, tell them how you are really doing, using adjectives that are outside of your usual repertoire. See what happens for you.

Your principles and commitments will guide you in your honesty. Sometimes being honest just for the sake of being honest just doesn't serve. For instance,“Grandma, you look ugly today” doesn't work There are times,however,when you withhold,censor,or temper your communications to the detriment of the work at hand. Merely because honesty is uncomfortable for you is not a reason to be dishonest if speaking the truth will benefit those involved in the long run.

Consider that even when you don't come out and tell the truth about something, others “get it” anyway. Use any relationship as an example.If you are angry at someone, but don't confront them, doesn't your anger get expressed in less direct ways? If you are sorry about something, but don't apologize, doesn't your guilt show up anyway? If you are attracted to someone, but don't muster up the courage to do anything about it, don't you think your attraction is obvious in subtle ways? We have a million ways of getting our message across if it is important to us to be heard. One way or the other, the truth will be known. There are several problems with being indirect, or covert, about communicating the truth. First,it is disrespectful. It is like telling someone he or she isn't worth the risk of being honest. Second,it thwarts opportunities for dealing directly with the issue at hand in the first place. You are merely getting revenge, or getting attention, without giving the other person a chance to address the issue directly. Third, you are closing down possibilities available for you with that person. Until you complete unfinished business, that incompletion will hinder your freedom to interact with that person. Fourth, you are not expressing yourself in a way that has you be known.It is as simple as telling the truth, yet almost nothing in life takes as much courage.

So far we have identified:full participation,an open mind,risking, clarity of purpose, and honesty. The list could go on to include trust, spontaneity,acceptance,and others. What it takes,at the root level, for you to accomplish extraordinary things is a commitment to your own transformation.

The only way to play at life that will ensure maximum results is to participate as though you were the quarterback and your job is on the line with every play. Expand the stakes to include your family, your health, your marriage, your wealth, your spiritual development; everything is on the line and depends on your participation. A player on the field knows that he has to give it his all because he will personally take the consequences no matter what happens. A committed player plays one hundred percent. A second-string player is still on the team and is intent on winning the game, but his personal stake isn't as high, and his participation does not require or demonstrate as high a gradient of commitment as the player on the field. The fans are also participating as enthusiasts and supporters, but no matter how faithful they are, they know that they will be going home at the end of the game, their lives basically unaffected by the outcome of the game. The consequences they will pay if their team loses are substantially different than the players' consequences. In the press box, reporters play observers, critics, narrators. Other than their personal loyalties, the reporters have no investment in which team wins or in which players score touchdowns. The absurd and ironic truth is that we often don't participate in our lives with as much commitment as players on the field in a game of football. Notice how often you play second-string, or fan, or reporter in your own life.

Answer the following questions about your participation. Use your journal.

• How have you participated in this inquiry so far? Have you been a committed player,an observer,a critic,a dreamer...?
• How will you know if you are participating with a commitment to getting something done in your life? What is the specific, measurable evidence you can look for?
• What is it that you want to accomplish and how have you approached that intention so far?
• What are the risks for you in being honest and direct with yourself and others, and what are the benefits?

WAYS WE AVOID

Each of us has a whole catalog of clever methods for concealing that we are not participating fully in our lives. These methods are the ways we avoid. We have been well-conditioned throughout our lives to avoid one hundred percent participation in many areas of our lives, and equally encouraged to perpetuate the illusion that we are participating fully. We have learned not to expose ourselves while appearing to be open. At a very meaningful level these mechanisms evoke dissatisfaction and unfulfillment, and are obstacles to creating value.

The many dangers of avoidance boil down to sabotage-avoidance is self-sabotage. Avoidance leaves incompletions which, in turn, hinder further action. You are not really “present” as energy is diverted from fulfilling your commitments to serving the cause of avoidance. You become an obstacle to your own progress rather than a contributor. Your behavior is part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Whether you are avoiding little details or major projects, by avoiding, you sabotage the very areas of concern in which you are committed to success.

How often do you hear people tell their kids: "If you don't have anything nice to say,don't say anything at all,” “Don't get so excited,” “If you are going to cry, go to your room,” “Don’t talk about that in front of other people,"etc., etc., etc.? It's a safe bet that you were given an array of such advice. Typically, kids are rewarded for behavior that suits their parents' perception of what is right, even though it seems to be inauthentic for the child. Of course, being a parent is a complex responsibility, part of which involves teaching our children values and coaching them about what works and what doesn't. Parents are not at fault, they are simply perpetuating the culture's shared understanding of how people are. Unfortunately, some elements of the cultural framework limit you by accepting, and even encouraging, you to be incomplete and to avoid responsibility.

Your cultural background and mores are inescapable and it is impossible to nullify their influence on you. What you can do is begin to recognize how your particular culture-race,religion, ethnic origin, language,traditions, social and economic factors-dictates your actions,and develop practices within that context which allow you to be effective. Recognizing how you avoid and learning how to interrupt your automatic behavior patterns gives you freedom where you might otherwise be unconsciously restricted.

Why do we avoid? We are trained from an early age not to let ourselves be vulnerable,to insulate ourselves from personal threat.We keep ourselves from becoming involved in situations which may threaten us or leave us vulnerable

How do we manifest this in our behavior? Some of our favorite avoidances include ignoring what is going on,spacing out, reading, taking drugs, getting angry, watching TV, being a workaholic, drinking alcohol, eating, getting sick, laughing, delegating,being confused, lying,over-analyzing,rationalizing,doing busy work,running away, going to the bathroom,denying reality,hesitating,sleeping,talking, fantasizing, making lists, smoking cigarettes, or otherwise procrastinating. Some of these avoidance behaviors are airtight defenses. Who would dare blame you for working so hard? It's the American way! Who would complain that your hysterical sense of humor is distracting? A great sense of humor is always at the top of the list of qualities we like in people. Or who would think that you are avoiding an issue, given how much time and energy you spend analyzing and figuring it out?

Does this mean that every time you watch TV, go to the bathroom, or get sick you are avoiding something? Not necessarily. But the bad news is that our avoidances are so ingrained in our behavior that we are often not aware of when we are avoiding and when we are simply watching TV.

Consider the following questions to assist you in clarifying your avoidance patterns.

• What situations are stressful for you?
• What behaviors do you commonly exhibit in those situations?
• How do you alleviate your discomfort or make yourself invulnerable to further discomfort?
• What are your most common avoidance mechanisms?
• What are you avoiding? What is the worst thing you can imagine happening if you were to face the situations head on?

Why not avoid? It seems expedient to eliminate the discomfort of facing up to unpleasantness. For one thing, you lose much of the texture of your life by staying safe, not going out on a limb for anything, making sure that you always look good; the range of experiences open to you is limited. Avoidance blurs the distinct significance of different things, events, and people. Life becomes a bland concoction of safe activities and relationships, mone much more meaningful than any other. Do you ever notice that when you say something really matters to you and throw yourself into it, you experience a high level of aliveness and passion? Whereas, when you say that something matters to you but don't really put yourself at stake, you lack passion, regardless of whether you succeed or not

Avoidance affects our relationships deeply by detaching us from others. As we go through life covering up the fact that we are in avoidance, we gesture at getting involved with people and projects while skillfully keeping ourselves safe and, therefore, fundamentally uninvolved. When you are not authentically involved in your projects and interactions, you are not fully available to others either to communicate your concerns to them or to let their concerns touch you The moving experience of partnership, of making a difference with another human being, is blocked as your focus is on yourself alone.

You've begun to look at your avoidance mechanisms and why you avoid. Now move to the next step and use your journal to explore how avoidance affects your life:

• What prices do you pay in your relationships because of your particular avoidance pattern?
• Remember some specific instances in which you recently avoided something.What motivated your avoidance? What are some of the opportunities you missed by doing that? What are other consequences of your avoidance?

Are you having a hard time seeing how you avoid: identifying your “favorite” avoidance behaviors; remembering times when you were avoiding? If yes, consider the possibility that you are avoiding telling yourself the truth. No matter how passionate and involved you are in your life, you are human. And human beings avoid. It's up to you.To create forward movement, you must tell yourself the truth and then dig deeper to find what's next for you.