Debbie Stamper
GRADUATE PROFILE
Debbie Stamper calls vulnerability “the V word."I mention the word vulnerability and tears come to my eyes. It's the thing I have the most resistance to.
“I was always critical and judgmental of others. I put on a big show that I had it all together. I found out that a lot of people were afraid to approach me. I was always real nice, and I'd speak to people,but I'd really be saying,‘Don't come any closer than this!' It was all tied up in my image, what I thought I was supposed to be, and the way I wanted to appear to other people. Again, the word vulnerable comes up-not to show anybody that I'm vulnerable and that I need other people.
“I remember the first night of the Basic Training I was so bored. I couldn't believe the other participants were not getting the point about the Ground Rules. I was so arrogant, I didn't think I could spend five days with those people.
“Other people experienced me as arrogant, too.I got feedback that when I was not being vulnerable, people experienced me as cold, calculating, manipulative. My greatest fear is to appear that way. I thought I was supposed to be perfect. Perfect is a word I really loved. It was the training that allowed me to just surrender to the softer side of me and to recognize that it's okay. I don't have to be strong and independent and assertive all the time.
Several times Debbie mentioned the significance of discovering that she needed people, so we explored what that means to her.“Well, I've never really considered myself a loner, but I do spend tons of time by myself. I think I've allowed a lot of people to come in and out of my life. But I've allowed them to leave without really telling them how much they've meant to me and what they contributed to me. Saying ‘I love you' has always been a real hard thing for me to get out of my mouth. I could never say ‘You really do mean a lot to me.' In that respect I think I wasn't open about my feelings. Again, it goes back to honest communication and risking-risking that they might think I am stupid or weird. I think I ran a lot of people off by not telling them how I felt. They got the impression that their presence in my life didn't really mean anything.I presented myself as being real cold and independent and self-sufficient.I had always perceived the need for help or support as a weakness. If I was emotional with people or was vulnerable and let people know exactly what I felt about them, I was weak.I have more people in my life right now as a result of just saying little things like ‘I really like being with you,' or ‘I'm really glad we have become friends.'"
Debbie is a marketing consultant, organizing meetings with physicians. Professionally, her attitude has shifted since she did the training. “It's not the actual job skills that have changed. I had those. But I have shifted out of some negative attitudes. The training has helped me to look at each moment as a new possibility to really create some magic.I have more freshness in my meetings and that has shown up in results.
“The other thing is that I really stepped up to the pump and I said ‘I want more responsibility' rather than sitting back and thinking that somebody was supposed to come to me with it. I picked up the phone, called my manager, and requested that we sit down and talk about my career goals and about what I would like to do within this organization. I've become more in tune with what I need in order to be effective in the job.
“I also began to recognize the importance of personal relationships.Again,for me,it's just being vulnerable, showing the softer side, letting people know I really care. Knowing that it's okay, that it doesn't make me a fool to let someone know I care about them-even if they don't have the same feelings for me. I have to be true to myself and I have to be honest in my communication with others, which I had not been. And that means with my family as well. When I finally did,the rewards were there.
“One time I picked up the phone and called my Dad. My daddy is a person who does not express his feelings or emotions. I called him and he asked if I wanted to talk with my mama. I said ‘No, I called to talk to you.' I told my Dad that it's real important that he tells me he loves me. He did and has again since, which is a real shift for us. Being that open and honest with him was really risky for me. It began a whole different relationship for us.
“I'm more relaxed.I still thrive on intensity, but I've relaxed a lot. I'm just not so set in my ways anymore. There wasn't much room for error before, and I really used to beat myself up if I thought I made a mistake. Now I just acknowledge my mistakes and I move on. I think it comes from being more at ease with myself and liking myself more, being less critical of who I am. Not being so hard on myself has created the opportunity for others to be open and relaxed with me.
“Before the trainings, I was so black and white on everything. You know, this is the way it is, and that's it. Period. I would never say ‘Okay, so let’s take a look at some other possibilities here.’ I was just not open at all to any other way of seeing things. Instead of holding things as ‘This is the truth with a capital T,’ the training showed me that there are other ways of looking at things."