Relationships/Empowering Others

Millions of words have been written over the years,particularly in recent years, about how to make relationships work. You know as well as anyone the litany of generic ingredients for a lasting, fulfilling relationship: open communication,partmership,fun,common or similar goals, commitment, and so on. You also know as well as anyone the frustrating and painful chasm between knowing what works in relationships and doing it. I assert that what it takes to make the leap from being informed to being effective in relationships lies in asking a different and more basic question than “How?” Rather than studying how to make relationships work, explore what relationship is.

Before reading on, what is your definition of a relationship? Write your definition in your journal.

WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?

To relate is to interact or to act upon one another. The big mistake we make is that we think a relationship has a life of its own, that it is something we can have or be in. A relationship is nothing. No thing. Synonyms for the word relationship include connection,affiliation, alliance,association,interconnection,interdependence,correlation None of those words speak of a concrete entity. The language of relationship is dynamic. Relationships are continually unfolding events. You aren't “in a relationship,” you simply relate to other people.

It's interesting that so many people say they want to have a relationship. There is no “a relationship” to have.Isn't it also interesting that you'll rate your relationship with someone as great (or a mess) at any given time, as though there is something there other than your actions and your interpretations and the actions and interpretations of others.

Explore your interpretations:

• What are your criteria for a 'great' relationship?
• What are your criteria for a ‘bad' relationship?
• Where do you look to find the evidence to prove whether a relationship is good or bad?

Being in relationship is the state of being human. In our culture, we learn that we exist as individuals, thereby concealing our social nature and fostering a mood of aloneness. Relationships are thought of as things that occur periodically against a background of individual separateness. This is merely a learned interpretation. Remember, human beings are fundamentally social beings, not separate units.The individual “I” doesn't exist except as it correlates with the rest of the world.“I" is the name we have given to a complex set of relationships that occur in the vicinity of our physical bodies. It is our natural state as human beings, even definitive of being human, to be in relationship.

To say you don't have enough relationships or you aren't in a relationship is absurd. The project at hand isn't to have relationships as though there is a way to get them, to be in relationships as though they can be entered and exited, or to make them work as though they are pieces of machinery. Relationships are not things. Rather, the project is to cultivate a way of being related that is extraordinarily fulfilling.

A relationship is merely an opportunity to relate with another person.Like any opportunity, what you do with it is up to you.Your commitment determines what and how each relationship in your life is. There's the tricky use of language again in the preceding sentence, implying that a relationship is some “thing” that can have a quality all its own. All there is for you to do is play with people, participate with people, be in conversation with people,love people. What comes out of those interactions isn't “a relationship.” Those interactions are the relationship. What comes out of those interactions is the next opportunity to interact.

Consider the following questions as part of your own inquiry into relating:

• How does this inquiry into being related alter your perception of relationships?
• How does the definition of relationship you gave in the previous section limit what is possible in your relationships?
• Are you trying to figure out a way to turn this inquiry into a formula for a new way to interact with people so that your relationships work better or so that you have more of them? If so, notice that you are still holding relationships as 'things.'
• What does having your relationships ‘work better' mean?
• If there were a theme to describe how you tend to interact with people, what would it be?

A WORKING RELATIONSHIP TAKES WORK

Relating effectively demands a lot of you. It requires rigorous thoughtfulness, disciplined behavior,genuine concern for others, and relentless courage. Passively drifting through relationships is like a salesman sitting in his office waiting for the phone to ring. It may ring a few times, but there isn't a sense of aliveness or personal accomplishment, and no reliable basis for future growth. Likewise, when you are out in the world “waiting for the phone to ring,” only responding to people when they come to you, and then responding inauthentically or otherwise thoughtlessly, you'll remain safe, but you can count on a low level of aliveness, accomplishment, and possibility. We are thrown to not demonstrate our caring for others, to not be thoughtful,and to not risk in our relationships. Hence, it will take deliberate effort and supreme determination on your part to shift your behavior in the face of our culture's norms.

Being thoughtful of others includes being disciplined in your practices and being willing to make choices based on your concern for the well-being of others. This means that you sometimes will find yourself making a choice that is less pleasurable to you than if you were only considering yourself. Please go find where it is written that a relationship is supposed to be an endless source of pleasure. Who said that a rewarding relationship equals constant bliss? Who promised that being committed to having your relationships work means you will always be having fun? The potential for satisfaction multiplies when you view a relationship as a vehicle by which you may contribute to another person,and together contribute to the world, as opposed to your approaching that relationship as an end in itself, or as something that is primarily concerned with getting pleasure. Love is a commitment that supersedes and sometimes requires you to set aside the desire for immediate gratification in anticipation of a higher purpose.

Here are some questions for your reflection:

• Do you operate on the belief that 'good'relationships should just happen,and should not require work?
• What thoughts and feelings do you have when a relationship does require you to work?
• Think of a recent example of a time when you set your own needs or desires aside to accommodate the needs or desires of someone else. What feelings did that evoke in you? For example, on the one hand you may have felt predominantly resentful,guilty, regretful,manipulated, unsupported,neglected, martyred,and so on. On the other hand,you may have felt predominantly supportive, loving, appreciative, giving, valued, and so on. How do you honestly feel about the give-and-take aspect of your relationships when it demands something from you?

CONCERN FOR OTHERS

Relating, defined as acting upon another human being,implies an outward focus. Yet most people do not act out of a commitment to having their actions serve others. Of the people who do act out of the commitment to serve others, many do so at the expense of their own nurturance. Serving others does not mean selfless sacrifice, but really considering what impact your actions have on other people and acting in such a way as to give yourself and others the greatest possibility to benefit.

Remember the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you lived according to that rule, it would be a priority for you that other people's lives worked. How you are with the receptionist at the office, and the grocery clerk,and the plumber, and your children's teachers, and your neighbors, would proceed from your commitment to treating them with the same dignity and care that you would like to receive. What does that really boil down to but thinking before you act, and acting out of concern for others? Most people don't harbor malicious intentions. But most people forget to honor, for example, the receptionist as much as they honor their family and dearest friends. Most of us are in too much of a hurry. It takes a willingness to take action a bit above and beyond the call of duty to demonstrate the kind of respect and compassion for other human beings that is empowering.

Think about it.

• How do you fit into the scheme of things? You have an effect on people and on history whether you like it or not. In your day-to-day interactions, are you responsible or irresponsible about the impact your actions have?

EMPOWERING OTHERS

Whom do you hang around? They are probably people who empower you in one way or another. Sometimes empowerment means being contributed to and other times empowerment means making a contribution. Empowerment is the key to rewarding,enlivening, loving relationships.

An act of empowerment intervenes in a relationship in three ways. First, it provides something that was missing. Everyone involved is now complete in a way in which before they were incomplete. What was missing and what can be given depend upon the unique blend of the people involved. With your spouse, empowerment may mean a demonstration of love. With your coach, it may mean being challenged, being confronted about what isn't working or praised about what is working. With your colleagues at work, it may mean honest feedback about each others' ideas or performance. Second, empowerment causes a shift in practices so that the people involved are left more competent and renewed in their commitment. Third, empowerment leaves you with the question: “What’s next?” It enables you to look up from the grind and explore where you are headed and what possibilities lie before you.

Under no circumstances does empowerment have to feel good or make you happy.It can and often does,but doesn't have to.Gaining or providing a missing distinction and changing one’s practices are not always comfortable experiences. Empowerment isn't about feelings, it's about being enabled to become more nearly who you can possibly be.

Having your relationships work means relating with people in a way that is mutually empowering. When you stand for empowerment, the actions and behaviors that make relationships fulfilling will emerge. Rewarding interactions and relationships will be the rule, and breakdowns the exception, not the reverse. Of course, you alone are responsible for being empowered. Blaming someone else for not empowering you is a sell out. You can stand for being empowered in the face of any circumstances.

A necessary part of empowerment is being clear on your commitments, being able to speak your commitments,and being able to listen to the commitments of other people. Others can only get behind you in what you are genuinely committed to,and you can only empower them in what they are committed to. When you are listening for people's commitment and speaking your own, others discover new possibilities for themselves out of interacting with you.

What it takes to be both empowered and empowering, what is called for, is a reorientation of yourself. There is no reason or evidence for it, it doesn’t make sense, it isn't logical. There is no “how to.” Following instructions for empowerment is totally insufficient.It can only be freely given because it is what is called for. You must create this one yourself, be responsible yourself, take a stand yourself.You must come to terms, very deeply and very personally,with what you have said you stand for.

LISTENING

When you listen to others, what do you hear? As we have made clear earlier, to be human is to interpret. What you hear when you listen to others isn't necessarily what they are saying. What you hear is your own interpreted version of what they are saying. There is no way to avoid interpreting, but there is a way to have listening be empowering. Unfortunately,in the drift of average interaction, we are uncommitted speakers and listeners, thus disempowering our conversations with one another. Rehabilitating your capacity to listen is crucial to transforming the quality of your relationships.

Listening and speaking are symbiotic practices. They are either mutually effective or mutually ineffective. Unfortunately, the drift of our culture is toward ineffective speaking and listening. It is a vicious circle. When you know that whomever you are talking to probably isn't listening very closely, you aren't as careful about what you say. And vice versa-when they know that you aren't really committed to what you are saying, they only listen half-heartedly. Do you ever notice that when someone demonstrates that they really have been listening rigorously by asking you for clarification or by questioning you in some other way, it can throw you off-that you suddenly get confused or uncertain about what you were saying or lack the confidence to face questions? Most conversation is thus reduced to idle talk, stories, gossip.

When you communicate at the level of stories,narrative, and opinion, there can be no empowerment and no breakthrough. Breakthrough comes out of your vision and your commitment to live by your word. This means saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and listening to what people say, not what you think they mean Only when you cut out your stories, reasons, and justifications can you discern what appropriate action to take. And only when you do not support the stories, reasons, and justifications of others is there the possibility of empowering them.

How can you be a committed listener or speaker? You can begin by starting an inquiry into your own speaking and listening habits. Below are some questions to assist you.

• When you listen to others, where is your focus? Are you focused on yourself or on what they are saying? In other words, are you thinking about whether you agree or disagree with them, whether you like what they are saying or not, what you will say next, or are you simply trying to understand what they are saying?
• If you were to critique your own listening, what changes would you recommend to yourself?
• When you speak, how do you react if someone questions you or disagrees with you? How important is being right to you? How does your need to be right impede your speaking and listening?
• If you were to critique your own speaking, what changes would you recommend to yourself?
• How often do you interrupt people before they finish their thought?
• How often do you finish people's sentences for them?
• If you are an interrupter or a sentence finisher, try this for the next twenty-four hours: Stop it. Don't interrupt people and don't finish their sentences for them.Let them talk until they are finished, and only talk once they stop talking. Notice how often what they end up saying is not what you were thinking it would be. Notice how the conversations go places they couldn't have gone if you had interrupted.

RIGHT / WRONG VS. POINT OF VIEW

We often have hidden agendas when we are in conversation with people-to sell them something, convince them of something, validate our own beliefs, and so forth. I say that the only empowering agenda to have is the desire to contribute to another human being. An essential element of serving other people is to acknowledge them and their points of view. Human beings are thrown to being right. In conversation, when your focus is on yourself, which is usually the case unless you train yourself otherwise, you are all about gathering evidence to prove that your opinions are right or that differing opinions are wrong. Little gets accomplished in such a conversation. If everyone agrees, you end up with a “Mutual Admiration Society,”but little possibility for breakthrough. If everyone disagrees, you do your best to convert each other, or dismiss each other altogether.

Playing the right/wrong game is both frustrating and exhausting. It is futile. It cripples your ability to think. Given that human beings are pure interpretation, who said yours are any more right than anyone else's? We all think that our opinions are facts, and that any differing opinions are stupid. As long as our priority is to be right, we don't have to think, to evaluate our own opinions, to change. One of the most empowering, supportive, inspiring things you can do in a relationship is freely acknowledge the other person's point of view. The acknowledgment contributes to them, and the opportunity and willingness to see the world a different way contributes to you.

Here are some more questions and suggestions on speaking and listening:

• What happens to your speaking and listening in the face of disagreement?
• Notice your human tendency to 'come from' being right. How do you react when someone else is making you wrong?
• What ways do you subtly or overtly make yourself right and others wrong in relationships?
• Are you someone who is always making yourself wrong? If so, what are you really being right about?
• What would it take from you to genuinely recognize the validity of points of view other than your own? (You can say you acknowledge a different point of view and still mean 'I'm right!')

FEEDBACK

You are who you are by virtue of the meta-conversation you share with the world. Furthermore, other people only exist in your conversation about them. How you are perceived in your interactions with others determines the possibilities for those relationships. Being open to hearing about how you show up in the world according to others greatly enhances your chances of being effective in your relationships. The direct feedback of others, while it can be painful or uncomfortable (which both criticism and acknowledgment can be), can be incredibly empowering if you stand for it being empowering.

Feedback is available every time you turn around.It takes many different forms: verbal communication, body language and facial expressions,staring,offhand comments,smiling,touching,eye contact,avoiding eye contact,laughter,applause,crying,promotions, raises,grades,questions,and so on. The physical universe is also a source of feedback. Your results and the facts reveal valuable information about you.

How do you deal with receiving the feedback that is available to you? Do you listen to it, ignore it, invalidate it, space out, use it to be right about your beliefs or to make others wrong?

How do you deal with giving feedback? Do you sugarcoat it? Do you invalidate it before or after you give it? Are you indirect about it, or mean about it? Do you withhold it altogether?

Think of someone whom you find unattractive. The criteria do not have to be physical. Answer the following questions about this person:

• What characteristics do you find unattractive about that person? List them.
• What characteristics do you find attractive about that person? List them.
• What about that person do you perceive as similar to you?
• How do you perceive yourself as different than that person?
• Now,think of someone whom you find attractive.Again, the attraction does not have to be physical. Answer the same questions about that person.

Giving or receiving feedback is only verbalizing what is already there anyway. Whatever assessment is expressed in the feedback was already present between you and that other person. Speaking it merely makes the private conversation public. Our judgments about whether feedback is positive or negative are only our judgments. Most people find that sharing conversations that include feedback, even when it is not what they would consider “positive” feedback, result in greater intimacy and new possibilities for the relationship. One caution about feedback: It can be damaging if not expressed in a caring way. Your responsibility is to deliver and receive feedback in a context of caring.

With respect to reading the feedback of the universe, look around at your relationships. Your relationships are a perfect representation of how you are showing up to people. The abundance in your relationships and your satisfaction or dissatisfaction with your relationships is a reflection of your stand about relationships. If your relationships don't work, you are a stand for relationships not working. If your relationships are empowering and fulfilling, you are a stand for that. If you are willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the quantity and quality of your relationships, the feedback of the universe and of the people who care about you will make you a more competent player in the relating game.

Continue your examination of the value of feedback with the following questions:

• Who are the people in your life who, if asked, would probably have helpful feedback for you about how it is to be in relationship with you?
• Have you ever asked for their feedback? If not, why haven't you?
• Will you ask? If yes, by when?
• Who are the people in your life who, if you had their permission to give them feedback, you could contribute to by doing so?
• Why haven't you?
• Will you? If yes, by when?

ACKNOWLEDGMENT

We all too often sweep under the rug one of the most empowering forms of feedback: acknowledgment. When you are acknowledged by someone, do you invalidate it, change the subject,or deflect the praise away from yourself? Do you make a point of acknowledging others, or do you let their contributions to you go by unnoticed?

You can make an immediate difference in your relationships if you do the following:

• Make a list of people you need to acknowledge.The acknowledgment could be for a specific thing they did, or for their general contribution to your life. Communicate those acknowledgements in the next twentyfour hours.
• When you are acknowledged for anything in the next month, listen to it carefully and then make only one response:'Thank you.'

INTIMACY AND COURAGE

It's no wonder that intimacy is such an issue for people, given how challenging it is simply to give and receive acknowledgment and honest feedback. Everything you think of when you think “intimate”- closeness and sharing of a personal and private nature-is at the same time desirable and intimidating. Can you figure out why intimacy and courage are in the same section?

It takes tremendous courage-which is defined as the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger,fear,or difficulty-to meet the conditions of an intimate relationship. Vulnerability is perceived as dangerous given the conversation our culture has about relating to one another. Guess what? If you interpret other people as dangerous, you will have plenty of opportunity to gather evidence to prove that they are. Or you can stand for a different interpretation,one that allows for mistakes,hurt,and forgiveness. Then, the only evidence you'll be able to gather is that people-including yourself-are human. Within the freedom to be human lies the possibility of intimacy.

Begin to explore what intimacy means to you by reflecting on the following questions or requests.

• Define intimacy in your own words.
• Do you hold a grudge for a long time, or 'get off it' quickly and move on?
• How do you express anger? Do you withhold your anger? Do you blow up? Do you express it covertly through resentment or some other emotion and concomitant behavior? Do you face the person toward whom it's directed? Do you tell the story to all your friends, but never confront the person who is the source of it?
• How often do you censor things you think of but are afraid to say? What are you afraid of that keeps you from saying what's on your mind?
• Are you comfortable revealing feelings or thoughts that you consider of a personal nature?
• Are you comfortable when others reveal to you feelings or thoughts of a personal nature?

THE THREE PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIP

The quality and durability of any relationship rests on three pillars I'll describe these pillars in terms of a “primary” relationship, but the same pillars are applicable to any type of relationship. The pillars are sequential; the first must be solid in order to be a foundation for the second,and both of the first two,in turn,must be healthy for the third.

The first pillar is a responsible, authentic, committed self. You must have some clear idea of what you stand for in life. Your commitments in life will shape how you relate to others.A key to the first pillar is recognizing that you are responsible for how your relationships show up for you. That you are one hundred percent responsible isn't “the truth,” it is a stand that you can take that will give you the freedom to participate authentically and passionately in your relationships.

The second pillar is a connection between two people that is appreciative, caring, and honest.One distinction between primary relationships and other relationships: Let's face it, to have a primary relationship that works, you have to like the person, have an affinity for that person, want to spend time in that person's presence. For other relationships to work, such affection isn't necessary; the principles of respect, contribution,and concern for others enable you to open the possibility of an empowering, effective, productive relationship with anyone.

The third pillar is a shared purpose-something that can be accomplished better by two people together than by one alone.For a lasting relationship it is not enough that you be solid as an individual, and that the connection between you and another be deep and caring. How long can you gaze romantically into each other's eyes? You must turn outward together toward a contribution to the world that you can make better together than separately. For many married couples, their shared purpose is their children, but it doesn't have to be.

YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

The following is an exercise for a general inquiry into your relationships:

• Describe your relationship history. What are the main themes, issues, and patterns in your relationship life? Take ten or fifteen minutes to write this down.
• Look back over your description. What percentage of your description concentrated on facts, and what percentage on feelings? What percentage on negative experiences and what percentage on positive experiences? What percentage on past relationships and what percentage on current relationships? What percentage on what you got from the relationships and what percentage on what you gave?
• Now, retell your relationship history. Only this time-whatever you emphasized before-focus on the opposite. For example, if you emphasized the negative before,emphasize the positive this time around; if you focused on your feelings last time, focus on the facts this time; if you focused on past relationships before, focus on current ones this time.
• What are the prices people pay for being in relationship with you?
• What are the rewards they receive?